Show me how you do it? And I'll promise you, I'll promise that I'll run away with you

Rik's Log 12.02.10

So has anybody seen this yet?



apparently the story goes like this:
Some dude loses his girl cause she has to go faraway to college
And he's all heartbroken cause long-distance relationship suck.

Sooo he writes her this lovely song and then makes a vid
And he post the vid on Youtube but doesnt tell her about it.
He wants her to see it when it goes viral, sorta like a surprise.

Sooo when she sees it she'll be immediately amazed
And be all in love with him again
And I guess she'll quit school and run to him, I dunno.

Sooo are you heartstrings pulled yet?

Well here I am thinking it's some lonely geek living in Provo, Utah
Who's lost the only girl he'll ever know
And makes some cheesy homemade vid to post on Youtube
As a symbol of his everlasting love
For the only woman who paid him attention.

After a few minutes I get past the sappy shit and do some research.
I actually watch the vid and it's not some crappy homemade schlock.

1 - This lonely geek actually lives in LA.
2 - He is a member of a indie emo band known as The Daylights
3 - The vid & song are too polished to have been done by amateurs

So after analyzing all the data
This leads me to suspect a hoax.

How the hell can people fall for this?
Easy, theyre stupid.

Here we go again with another viral hoax
That everyone watches and thinks it's an amazing story
And then after 20x of hearing that song
We suddenly cant get it out of our heads
And we have to download their new album.

Yea it’s sooo genius it just might work.

Usually viral vids are happenstance theyre not manufactured
But with the new marketing techniques
We got geniuses who try to manufacture cultural phenomena
In order to sell shit and think it will work.

I’ll have to say that it is very clever idea.
Fortunately for them
The song and the vid are actually pretty entertaining.

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If hope dies shop till you drop!

Rik's Log 11.28.10

So we’re coming to the end of the Black Friday weekend
(I know that’s quasi oxymoronic; how can Friday be a weekend?)
But lemme tell you, the shopping madness is still in full effect.


Sooo far I've been sucked into a web browsing deal-searching fervor.
Searching all through the intrawebs for door-busting deals and such-whats.
However (Praise Jeebus!)...I’ve managed to avoid succumbing to
The camping-outside of Walmart fever
Itching to be the first contestant in the Discounted HDTV Punchout.

Which brings me to my gripe.
Why the fuck do people go crazy for Black Friday deals?
Yes you can get some pretty cool Blu-ray DVDs for like $8 pesos
But really does anyone need a DVD of Jingle All the Way?

I went to Best Buy to buy some DVDs (yes I know stupid)
And some other whatnot electronic BS that I think I need.
And I was talking to a cashier who told me
“People been camping out since 3a
To buy an HDTV that’s only $45 off retail price.”


$45 fucking bucks!
Is a person’s time worth $45 bucks these days?
Theyre willing to camp for three hours in the cold
And push & shove and fucking bite & scream to save $45 fucking bucks?

I know it's fucking stupid
But I guess that's the American consumer culture.
We lose our fucking minds when we see the words save & deal together.

Well I cant really talk much, with Cyber Monday looming hours away
I know that I’ll buckle and buy some crap I really can live without.

But do I really need anything new...
I bought a new digi camera on Friday.
(Yes I went shopping on Black Friday cause of the crazy deals!)
I retardedly lost my old camera and needed a replacement
So I went and got a new one which is supposed to be way better.

Sooo sitting here playing with my new camera
I realize that I really liked my old camera
It was better, easier to use, and the features were great.

Besides that I’m realizing that we truly don’t need all this crap
That desperate retailers keep telling us we need have now
And that if we just learn to live with the stuff we got
We might just be a little bit happier.

So with this renewed focus of the priorities in life
I’ll make it through this spendthrift holiday with my savings intact.
But whatever I probably still be on the lookout for a good Blu-ray player
With 3D and DTS surround sound and awesome WiFi capabilities.


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You're very phallic, you're big, black, and metallic, only you could be so cold.

Rik's Log 11.20.10

I'm pretty much on the Samsung Galaxy S bandwagon
But after seeing this Japanese ad for the phone
I'm even more smitten and the gotta-have-it cravings are intense.



I mean the Galaxy S is already a pretty awesome phone.
(you all may know it by its carrier branded names
Fascinate and Vibrant and Captivate and etc...)
It's got pretty much all the features of the iPhone
Plus it runs on Android yet it's more stylish than the Droid phones
And it's on every major carrier in the US.

However this Japanese ad campaign
That's pairing the phone with Darth Vader is very odd.

Usually you'd figure Lord Vader would be a parental controls advocate pushing for limited text message & a phone with less social networking skills.

At the very best he'd be way more into Blackberry and BBMs
Which would allow him to keep tabs with the Emperor and Grand Moff Tarkin.

So why would a Sith Lord be selling a Smartphone that's more Rebel than Darkside?
I dunno but as a Star Wars fan
I'm attracted by a strange pull
And I guess I need to have a cool Vader phone now.

Although it's still not as cool as the Death Star O'Lantern.


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Time makes you bolder, even children get older and I'm getting older too.

Rik's Log 11.17.10

Well I dont have much to say about getting older
I'm gonna just work through the day anyways
And ignore the fact that it's my barfday.

But for you all who are in the festive celebrating mood
Drink a beer in my honor and shot of bourbon too.

And til the weekend I'll leave you with the greatest birthday song ever!
The song responsible for the paradigm shift in birthdays
And how they will be viewed in the following century!
I'm talking of none other than...
The Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary


The seed of life is united with the egg of tyranny
Gestates forth from within the womb of life
for three-quarter and nigh a year, the creature thus be born!
And ye of years...31 bells will chime when the heavens open up...


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From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli!

Rik's Log 11.10.10

In honor of the Marine Corps 235th Birthday...


From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli
Happy Birthday Marines and Semper Fi!

And in honor of Veteran's Day which is tomorrow;
I'd just like to say...
To all those who served during times of peace and times of war
A grateful Nation salutes you.
I hope that the honor you recieve this day
And (should recieve) everyday
Is worth the Hell & hardships you went through.

Sooo Happy Veteran's Day and enjoy your Free Blooming Onion!


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I thought just having a friend couldn't be no crime, cause I have friends and that's a fact.

Rik's Log 11.7.10

So has anybody seen this?



Man this is sad.
Poor Biz Markie is being force to dress and act like a retard...
And to top it off he has to work with Andy Milonakis,
The Prince of MTV D-list celebrity douchbags.

I mean, for some reason I love this ad,
And I just cant get enough of this commercial.
But that costume is hilarious and the dialogue is just too silly.

I mean I know that it's intentionally campy
But I'm just wondering if theyre making fun of Biz
Or is Biz in on the joke?


On the plus-side I'm loving Captain Tune-up
Maybe they can make like a short series outta this.

It can be like Biz Markie’s music superhero persona
He can go and out battle RIAA villains trying to install DRMs
And face-off against music pirates who steal from the artist
And save people who don’t know how to properly label their music
By cleaning up their iTunes library.

Damn that would be hella awesome
He can do everything automagically.

Also...
I think that’s should be the new word of the decade automagically

Anyways lost in all this
Is Tune-up actually cool or even useful...?
I dunno, and probably wont because I rarely use iTunes.
But fuckit I do love the damn commercial.


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This Halloween is something to be sure, especially to be here without you.

Rik's Log 11.02.10

Well Halloween came and went.



And I went with my gut and I was right...
No one watches LOST in California.
And my obscure costume went unnoticed.

At least I got to Party with Katy Perry...
And some Tetris blocks and a dude dressed as a tugboat...
And tons of pirate chics and cops and French maids.


The most common costume, Snookie was too obnoxious
And the other common costume the Chilean Miners was disturbing as well

Every idiot thought
"Hey I'd dress like the Miners and I'd be the only one
And it be pertinent and cool...and everyone would love it."
Well it wasnt.

On the otherhand there were some creative costumes out there
Big ups to the sport fan who dressed like Brain Wilson.
(The San Fran closer who just won the WS not the Beach Boy.)

There was the girl who dressed like painter Bob Ross, she was awesome!
There was some chic dressed like Christine O'Donnell wearing a witch hat
That was funny and very pertinent and political too.
And then there was the woman who dress like poison Ivy
And then pin condoms all over her costume and said she was a rubber tree plant...
That was fucking creative.

And my favorite of all the dude who dressed like...
A Zombie Jesus holding a "Support Prop 19" sign.
I dunno what he was trying to say about our society
But whatever he was doing it was wacky and I loved it.

Well Halloween is over and now I gotta wait
Til next year when I once scramble to get an awesome costume.
Well now I gotta go run and mail my vote.


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I know it isn't your scene, it's better than a sex scene and it's so fucking obscene.

Rik's Log 10.31.10

So it’s that time of year again when the freaks come out & knock on your doors...
Yeap election time is almost. And this year it looks like the circus came to town.
With all the Elephants, tigers, and clowns.

Since President Obama has been empowering people to follow their dreams
And push for change and service their towns & communities,
Everyone now believes that they too can be useful part of the government.

Well obviously that’s a bad idea.
Now we every Tom, Dick, and Nazi is running for public office.
And every witch, troll, and hooker too
And even a few self confessed constitutional scholars.
Hell even Elvira is throwing her hat in!


All this makes for a crazy fun election year,
With every idiot voicing their opinions
And every politico hasbeen sticking their 2 cents
And wannabe comedians making spoofs
But after a few months everyone get’s tired
Of all the maniacs and the riots and all the spectacle.

Sometimes we just want to see a civilized debate
Where we understand the issues at hand
And what can best be done to better our country.

And with everyone talking about changing the political climate
And how to improve Washington D.C.
You begin to wonder if there will actually be change.
Or if these retards just want to get the cushy government jobs
And reap the benefits of being in power.

And...
You know what’s funny that the biggest talkers
The crazies who want to change our government
The greastest malcontents who fear that
We’ll become a socialist state persecuting the rich
Yeap those crazies.

Well...
Theyre the one’s who aren’t running for public office.
Is it a case of talking the talk and not walking the walk?
Or are they just smart enough to know that no one wants them in power
So that leaves them the opportunity to open their mouths
With no repercussions cause they don’t have to answer to no one.

Well there could be one more possibility;
That they are waiting for the big enchilada in 2012.
Hopefully (praying to God) theyre smart enough to know
That they aint got a chance in Hell for the Presidency.

But that would be too much to ask.
Afterall we're all expecting a crazy presidential campaign in 2012.

Well there’s a lot more I could say about this retarded campaign year...
But right now I gotta start getting ready for Halloween.




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The Cops & Queers make goodlooking models.

Rik's Log 10.23.10



So Halloween is coming fast and I'm freaking out!
As usual I've procrastinated and I dont have a costume yet.
I've been kicking ideas around but concepts arent solutions
And now I am facing the possibility of not having a costume for Halloween.
Well this will certainly suck.

Sooo why the fuck do you need a costume for Halloween?
(Are you asking me? Oh youre not…well I’ll tell you anyways.)

You need a costume because of Halloween parties.
That’s the only reason an adult would get a Halloween costume.


You dont want to be the loser
Who goes to a costume party sans costume.
Sure you can try to brush it off
"I’m not into fads." or "I dont like having fun."
Or say something like
"Halloween is an overrated commercial holiday."
But then no one will want to hang with you.


And mosdef no girl who’s dress as a slutty nurse
Or slutty angel or a slutty investment banker
Is gonna wanna chill with the I’m-not-into-fads guy.

Cause not being into fads kinda makes you a party-pooper...
And who like a party pooper?

So if you want to have fun with all the costumed partiers
Especially all the girls in the slutty costumes
Then you better get a costume.

And the cooler or more extravagant your costume
The better itll help you in attracting chics...
And ultimately, just like the Xmas Island crabs,
That’s the whole purpose of our existence.


Sooo now back to my dilemma.
I’ve been thinking that I should get a costume
That’s not to hi-maintenance
But also not too obscure that people don’t get it.

I thought about doing the whole LOST thing
Since it probably my last chance to do anything LOST related.
I considered grabbing a Dharma Initiative jumpsuit...
it's pretty easy to put one on and grab some sneakers
Walk around like I’m still doing serious experiments on the Island.

I also thought about dressing as John Locke
But that might fall under the too obscure for Halloween costume.


I've kicked around my old ideas for bit
I thought about Nurse Joker but that might be too big a production.
Also thought of dressing up as like a cholo vato
But in SoCal it might seem too real to look like a costume
And it might get in a few problems too.


I can do a crazy lewd costume like the walking Breathalyzer
Or something Old Skool like Star Wars or TMNT
but I wouldnt be as cool as this Turtle Freak
I’d also consider the classic Zombie or Vampire...

I also thought about following some trends
And dressing like the Jersey Shore

Or one of the rescued Chilean miners

Or maybe I'll buy some hospital scrubs and bloody them up
And tell everyone that I'm a Bloody Doctor!
Yea, it would be funny if I had a British accent.


I could also do something political like Barrakula Or a Sexy Sara Palin...but that might be a lil too involved.


Man I've got sooo man options but sooo little time
Which sucks cause while I'm sitting here blogging
The clock kicks ticking and I’m still not sure what to do.

Sooo that leaves me with one week to figure out what to wear.
Thank God there’s a costume shop right across from base..
Sooo mañana I’m going to go over and see if I can find something

Or else I might just do the whole John Locke thing
And be then hella frustrated
That I’d have to explain to every retard through the night
What my costume is about.



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All right stop collaborate and listen!

Rik's Log 10.17.10

So I dunno if any of youve heard of this new show.



Apparently the most successful white rapper
Before the era of Eminem
Is now doing home repairs.
He's apparently sooo good that theyve given him his own show.

What's the friggin deal with hasbeen celebrities?
Theyre getting new professions (obviously cause theyre failures)
And having it documented on T.V.

There's friggin Tony Danza trying to teach English.
There's Steven Seagal harassing black people & red necks in NOLA.
Then there's all those friggin hasbeens trying to dance on ABC.

A concept as ridiculous as recycling a condom;
It seems that every failed celebrity
With a schemey agent is getting a new TV show.
Theyre getting attention for attempting to do what we do everyday; earn a decent living.
And theyre not even competent at these jobs!

I mean what’s next?
MC Hammer’s Driving School
Or Weird Al’s investment accounting firm?
Or Mike Tyson’s pet grooming services
And Pauly Shore’s hotdog stand?

I know it’s just gonna keep getting ridiculous...
Well I guess I'll just have to deal with the fact
That gone are those days
When celebrities faded away from the limelight with diginity.

We'll just have to get use to seeing them come back to T.V.
Trying to be successful towing cars or selling ice cream.
Or whatever loser job they can get after they’ve blown all their cash.

WORD TO YOUR MOTHER!


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Youre so gay and you dont even like boys.

RIk's Log 10.10.10

So here's my girl Katy Perry hanging out on Street.



Damn she's sooo hot, I would mosdef give my right eye to smush her. Russell Brand better be fighting photographers to protect her ass
Cause man she is definitely one goddamn HPOA.

Anyways...
This is the controversial banned vid of Katy on Sesame St.
She's doing this kid-friendly version of Hot N Cold with Elmo.
It's pretty fun to watch, and I'm sure kids would enjoy it too.
But apparently some parents dont want their kids to watch a Cali hottie
Who's known for sexually suggestive pop songs and racy music vids
And crazy publicity stunts.
Oh...and dating a weird English comedian.
So I guess the kids will be deprived of great music once again.

Well thank God for Youtube!
Cause I really like this vid and I hope you enjoy it too.




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Let's talk about sex baby.

Rik's Log 10.8.10



So there’s this new sex survey out.
Apparently they asked a bunch of people if they were having sex
And I’m sure everyone said yes.
(Unless theyre voting for Christine “I’m not a witch” O'Donnell.)

Well anyways the results weren’t too surprising.
Oral sex...apparently everyone is doing it.
Men, women, young and old...giving & getting head is thing to do.
Which comes as no surprise to anyone
Who’s been sexually active for the past ten years.

Gay sex is on the rise,
Particularly among people who don’t consider themselves gay.
Which also isn’t too surprising either.
We know drinking and horniness and experimenting all go together.

The biggest surprise of all, however is—ANAL SEX.
No not the gay kind...the straight kind. --YEAH!


Yeap it seems like more women are getting into it
And they don’t actually mind it...
And some seem to actually like it!

Well this brings me to my point.
Not that I’m saying it’s [anal sex] awesome
Or that it's something sooo amazing or anything to blog about...
(I dunno cause I’ve never done it)
But I’m kinda peeved that anal sex is becoming sooo popular.
In like 10 years when everyone else will be having anal sex
And bragging about it like it’s bread with butter,
I’ll still be one of the 20% of men who won’t have done it.

Why? Did you ask?
(You didn’t ask? Well whatever I’ll tell ya anyways)
The reason is because I’m blessed (or curse or whatever)
With a huge penis!

Yes I have a big dick.
(Some might also add that I'm a big dick too.)

No I’m not bragging,
Ask the women I’ve been with; they all say I’m huge.

I know most women say this to every guy they’re with
It’s one of those lies you women do.
Just like the one where you tell us "We're the best."
Usually I don’t believe any of it cause I dont trust most women.

After having the opportunity of dating 2 women who've done anal
And who actually aren’t put off by it (they exist, go fig!)
They’ve denied me the honor because of my “massive size.”
Yea maybe they just don’t want to have anal sex with me...
Who fucking knows...
But after all the complaints and all the "Slow down."
Or "Stop I'm sore."
I’ve come to the realization that yes I’m larger than average.

Yes that can be awesome to brag about...
but what the internet doctor who's shlocking those magic enhancement pills
Doesn’t ever tell you is that there is a downside.

Anyways I think I should write some blog or Tumblr
About 100 reasons why having a big dick sucks.
Itll dispel the myths that the average guys thinks is true.

Which brings me to my last point…
What the fuck is a Tumblr anyways?


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We are Sex Bomb-OMB and we're here to watch Scott Pilgrim kick your teeth in!

Rik's Log 9.25.10

Sooo movies movies movies
That's pretty much all I've been doing lately.



I hear Scott Pilgrim is coming out on Blu-ray soon.
After watching it like 3x at the cinema
I think it's officially my favorite summer film.

Nothing captures my pop culture affinities much like this film.

I really love how it combines most of the things I like
Video games, Rock music, cute girls, and Mike Cera's blank humor
And throws if back at me in a big pile of hella awesome.
I'm even getting the comic books just to have some more cred.

After watching the movie a few times I'm conflicted...
I dunno if I should like Ramona Flowers
Or if I'm should fall in love with Knives Chau.

Ramona Flowers is sooo cool and awesome
She's the kinda kickass girl that you'd want to drag to Weezer concert
(I dunno if Ramona even likes Weezer)
Knives Chau is sooo cute and she can kickass too.
I'd probably just pine after both of them
Then date the drummer Kim when I got rejected.

I do have one complaint (as always)
I felt that Ramona shoulda been played by someone with more flair

I think that Kat Dannings or maybe Emma Stone woulda been more apt.
Mary Elizabeth Winstead is cute and all...
but she doesnt have the nuff 'tude to play Ramona awesomely well.
Also I just think I have a celebrity crush on Kat Dennings.
Well whatever...I'm done gushing about Scott Pilgrims.

Sooo if youre looking to revamp your Netflicks quene
Here are my picks of this summers most memorable films

Kickass----------------Awesome
Clash of the Titans----Skip
Ironman Dos------------Okay
Salt-------------------Okay
Knight & Day-----------Skip
The Karate Kid---------Okay
Going the Distance-----Skip
The Expendables--------So bad you gotta see it
Scott Pilgrim...-------Awesome
Prince of Persia-------Okay
Robin Hood-------------Skip
A-Team-----------------Awesome
The Last Airbender-----Okay
The Losers-------------Skip
Get Him to the Greek---Awesome
Nightmare on Elm St----Skip
Predators--------------Okay
Splice-----------------Skip
Inception--------------Awesome
Toy Story 3------------Okay
The American-----------Skip
Machete----------------Awesome
The Town---------------Okay
I'm Still Here---------Awesome





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Here come the Jets, little world, step aside! Better go underground, better run, better hide!

Rik's Log 9.20.10



Sooo the NY Jets won a game, and they won big.

After all the crazy talk of lack of discipline and bullshit.
They apparently managed to pull it together
And demolish their longtime rivals
Who everyone keeps saying are the best in the division.

Well after getting my fill of watching Tom Brady flutter around the field
And get sacked by Jason Taylor and other LBs...

I felt happy to know that my team prove theyre worth the attention.
And not just because of some weird locker room incident
That involved some oversexed Latin-American reporter.

This week proved that the Jets do have discipline
And that the offense can score and score big against Bill Bellichick’s defense
And that Tom Brady isn’t infallible and the Patriots aren’t an elite team
And that apparently hot women in the locker room arent a big distraction.


The media however, loves to talk about hot reporters.
(Actually they love to talk about hot anything, especially if there are pics.)
Sooo maybe we should discuss what everyone else is talking about
Even though it’s not totally pertinent and it’s mostly a media fad
And you all know how much I despise media fads.

But since it’s me and (if you know me) I cant keep my mouth shut about anything
I do have some thoughts about the whole Ines Sainz incident in the Jets locker room.

First, why the fuck do women who dress like sluts
Are surprised when they are treated like one?
If youre gonna walk around a men’s locker room dressed like this..
You shouldn’t be surprised when guys act like middle-school boys.
Afterall this is football we’re talking about it’s not a White House press conference.

Fuck even ESPN has trouble getting rid of the fuck-anything-frat-boy mentality.

People just have to understand that sports and sex go hand in hand
And if youre gonna sell yourself as a sex icon...
Well, youre gonna have to accept the consequences
Thatll come with the title of the Sexist Reporter on Earth.


I’m sorry, Miss Sainz but if you want to be treated like a serious reporter
Then perhaps you should behave like one.




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