I know it isn't your scene, it's better than a sex scene and it's so fucking obscene.

Rik's Log 10.31.10

So it’s that time of year again when the freaks come out & knock on your doors...
Yeap election time is almost. And this year it looks like the circus came to town.
With all the Elephants, tigers, and clowns.

Since President Obama has been empowering people to follow their dreams
And push for change and service their towns & communities,
Everyone now believes that they too can be useful part of the government.

Well obviously that’s a bad idea.
Now we every Tom, Dick, and Nazi is running for public office.
And every witch, troll, and hooker too
And even a few self confessed constitutional scholars.
Hell even Elvira is throwing her hat in!


All this makes for a crazy fun election year,
With every idiot voicing their opinions
And every politico hasbeen sticking their 2 cents
And wannabe comedians making spoofs
But after a few months everyone get’s tired
Of all the maniacs and the riots and all the spectacle.

Sometimes we just want to see a civilized debate
Where we understand the issues at hand
And what can best be done to better our country.

And with everyone talking about changing the political climate
And how to improve Washington D.C.
You begin to wonder if there will actually be change.
Or if these retards just want to get the cushy government jobs
And reap the benefits of being in power.

And...
You know what’s funny that the biggest talkers
The crazies who want to change our government
The greastest malcontents who fear that
We’ll become a socialist state persecuting the rich
Yeap those crazies.

Well...
Theyre the one’s who aren’t running for public office.
Is it a case of talking the talk and not walking the walk?
Or are they just smart enough to know that no one wants them in power
So that leaves them the opportunity to open their mouths
With no repercussions cause they don’t have to answer to no one.

Well there could be one more possibility;
That they are waiting for the big enchilada in 2012.
Hopefully (praying to God) theyre smart enough to know
That they aint got a chance in Hell for the Presidency.

But that would be too much to ask.
Afterall we're all expecting a crazy presidential campaign in 2012.

Well there’s a lot more I could say about this retarded campaign year...
But right now I gotta start getting ready for Halloween.




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The Cops & Queers make goodlooking models.

Rik's Log 10.23.10



So Halloween is coming fast and I'm freaking out!
As usual I've procrastinated and I dont have a costume yet.
I've been kicking ideas around but concepts arent solutions
And now I am facing the possibility of not having a costume for Halloween.
Well this will certainly suck.

Sooo why the fuck do you need a costume for Halloween?
(Are you asking me? Oh youre not…well I’ll tell you anyways.)

You need a costume because of Halloween parties.
That’s the only reason an adult would get a Halloween costume.


You dont want to be the loser
Who goes to a costume party sans costume.
Sure you can try to brush it off
"I’m not into fads." or "I dont like having fun."
Or say something like
"Halloween is an overrated commercial holiday."
But then no one will want to hang with you.


And mosdef no girl who’s dress as a slutty nurse
Or slutty angel or a slutty investment banker
Is gonna wanna chill with the I’m-not-into-fads guy.

Cause not being into fads kinda makes you a party-pooper...
And who like a party pooper?

So if you want to have fun with all the costumed partiers
Especially all the girls in the slutty costumes
Then you better get a costume.

And the cooler or more extravagant your costume
The better itll help you in attracting chics...
And ultimately, just like the Xmas Island crabs,
That’s the whole purpose of our existence.


Sooo now back to my dilemma.
I’ve been thinking that I should get a costume
That’s not to hi-maintenance
But also not too obscure that people don’t get it.

I thought about doing the whole LOST thing
Since it probably my last chance to do anything LOST related.
I considered grabbing a Dharma Initiative jumpsuit...
it's pretty easy to put one on and grab some sneakers
Walk around like I’m still doing serious experiments on the Island.

I also thought about dressing as John Locke
But that might fall under the too obscure for Halloween costume.


I've kicked around my old ideas for bit
I thought about Nurse Joker but that might be too big a production.
Also thought of dressing up as like a cholo vato
But in SoCal it might seem too real to look like a costume
And it might get in a few problems too.


I can do a crazy lewd costume like the walking Breathalyzer
Or something Old Skool like Star Wars or TMNT
but I wouldnt be as cool as this Turtle Freak
I’d also consider the classic Zombie or Vampire...

I also thought about following some trends
And dressing like the Jersey Shore

Or one of the rescued Chilean miners

Or maybe I'll buy some hospital scrubs and bloody them up
And tell everyone that I'm a Bloody Doctor!
Yea, it would be funny if I had a British accent.


I could also do something political like Barrakula Or a Sexy Sara Palin...but that might be a lil too involved.


Man I've got sooo man options but sooo little time
Which sucks cause while I'm sitting here blogging
The clock kicks ticking and I’m still not sure what to do.

Sooo that leaves me with one week to figure out what to wear.
Thank God there’s a costume shop right across from base..
Sooo mañana I’m going to go over and see if I can find something

Or else I might just do the whole John Locke thing
And be then hella frustrated
That I’d have to explain to every retard through the night
What my costume is about.



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All right stop collaborate and listen!

Rik's Log 10.17.10

So I dunno if any of youve heard of this new show.



Apparently the most successful white rapper
Before the era of Eminem
Is now doing home repairs.
He's apparently sooo good that theyve given him his own show.

What's the friggin deal with hasbeen celebrities?
Theyre getting new professions (obviously cause theyre failures)
And having it documented on T.V.

There's friggin Tony Danza trying to teach English.
There's Steven Seagal harassing black people & red necks in NOLA.
Then there's all those friggin hasbeens trying to dance on ABC.

A concept as ridiculous as recycling a condom;
It seems that every failed celebrity
With a schemey agent is getting a new TV show.
Theyre getting attention for attempting to do what we do everyday; earn a decent living.
And theyre not even competent at these jobs!

I mean what’s next?
MC Hammer’s Driving School
Or Weird Al’s investment accounting firm?
Or Mike Tyson’s pet grooming services
And Pauly Shore’s hotdog stand?

I know it’s just gonna keep getting ridiculous...
Well I guess I'll just have to deal with the fact
That gone are those days
When celebrities faded away from the limelight with diginity.

We'll just have to get use to seeing them come back to T.V.
Trying to be successful towing cars or selling ice cream.
Or whatever loser job they can get after they’ve blown all their cash.

WORD TO YOUR MOTHER!


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Youre so gay and you dont even like boys.

RIk's Log 10.10.10

So here's my girl Katy Perry hanging out on Street.



Damn she's sooo hot, I would mosdef give my right eye to smush her. Russell Brand better be fighting photographers to protect her ass
Cause man she is definitely one goddamn HPOA.

Anyways...
This is the controversial banned vid of Katy on Sesame St.
She's doing this kid-friendly version of Hot N Cold with Elmo.
It's pretty fun to watch, and I'm sure kids would enjoy it too.
But apparently some parents dont want their kids to watch a Cali hottie
Who's known for sexually suggestive pop songs and racy music vids
And crazy publicity stunts.
Oh...and dating a weird English comedian.
So I guess the kids will be deprived of great music once again.

Well thank God for Youtube!
Cause I really like this vid and I hope you enjoy it too.




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Let's talk about sex baby.

Rik's Log 10.8.10



So there’s this new sex survey out.
Apparently they asked a bunch of people if they were having sex
And I’m sure everyone said yes.
(Unless theyre voting for Christine “I’m not a witch” O'Donnell.)

Well anyways the results weren’t too surprising.
Oral sex...apparently everyone is doing it.
Men, women, young and old...giving & getting head is thing to do.
Which comes as no surprise to anyone
Who’s been sexually active for the past ten years.

Gay sex is on the rise,
Particularly among people who don’t consider themselves gay.
Which also isn’t too surprising either.
We know drinking and horniness and experimenting all go together.

The biggest surprise of all, however is—ANAL SEX.
No not the gay kind...the straight kind. --YEAH!


Yeap it seems like more women are getting into it
And they don’t actually mind it...
And some seem to actually like it!

Well this brings me to my point.
Not that I’m saying it’s [anal sex] awesome
Or that it's something sooo amazing or anything to blog about...
(I dunno cause I’ve never done it)
But I’m kinda peeved that anal sex is becoming sooo popular.
In like 10 years when everyone else will be having anal sex
And bragging about it like it’s bread with butter,
I’ll still be one of the 20% of men who won’t have done it.

Why? Did you ask?
(You didn’t ask? Well whatever I’ll tell ya anyways)
The reason is because I’m blessed (or curse or whatever)
With a huge penis!

Yes I have a big dick.
(Some might also add that I'm a big dick too.)

No I’m not bragging,
Ask the women I’ve been with; they all say I’m huge.

I know most women say this to every guy they’re with
It’s one of those lies you women do.
Just like the one where you tell us "We're the best."
Usually I don’t believe any of it cause I dont trust most women.

After having the opportunity of dating 2 women who've done anal
And who actually aren’t put off by it (they exist, go fig!)
They’ve denied me the honor because of my “massive size.”
Yea maybe they just don’t want to have anal sex with me...
Who fucking knows...
But after all the complaints and all the "Slow down."
Or "Stop I'm sore."
I’ve come to the realization that yes I’m larger than average.

Yes that can be awesome to brag about...
but what the internet doctor who's shlocking those magic enhancement pills
Doesn’t ever tell you is that there is a downside.

Anyways I think I should write some blog or Tumblr
About 100 reasons why having a big dick sucks.
Itll dispel the myths that the average guys thinks is true.

Which brings me to my last point…
What the fuck is a Tumblr anyways?


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We are Sex Bomb-OMB and we're here to watch Scott Pilgrim kick your teeth in!

Rik's Log 9.25.10

Sooo movies movies movies
That's pretty much all I've been doing lately.



I hear Scott Pilgrim is coming out on Blu-ray soon.
After watching it like 3x at the cinema
I think it's officially my favorite summer film.

Nothing captures my pop culture affinities much like this film.

I really love how it combines most of the things I like
Video games, Rock music, cute girls, and Mike Cera's blank humor
And throws if back at me in a big pile of hella awesome.
I'm even getting the comic books just to have some more cred.

After watching the movie a few times I'm conflicted...
I dunno if I should like Ramona Flowers
Or if I'm should fall in love with Knives Chau.

Ramona Flowers is sooo cool and awesome
She's the kinda kickass girl that you'd want to drag to Weezer concert
(I dunno if Ramona even likes Weezer)
Knives Chau is sooo cute and she can kickass too.
I'd probably just pine after both of them
Then date the drummer Kim when I got rejected.

I do have one complaint (as always)
I felt that Ramona shoulda been played by someone with more flair

I think that Kat Dannings or maybe Emma Stone woulda been more apt.
Mary Elizabeth Winstead is cute and all...
but she doesnt have the nuff 'tude to play Ramona awesomely well.
Also I just think I have a celebrity crush on Kat Dennings.
Well whatever...I'm done gushing about Scott Pilgrims.

Sooo if youre looking to revamp your Netflicks quene
Here are my picks of this summers most memorable films

Kickass----------------Awesome
Clash of the Titans----Skip
Ironman Dos------------Okay
Salt-------------------Okay
Knight & Day-----------Skip
The Karate Kid---------Okay
Going the Distance-----Skip
The Expendables--------So bad you gotta see it
Scott Pilgrim...-------Awesome
Prince of Persia-------Okay
Robin Hood-------------Skip
A-Team-----------------Awesome
The Last Airbender-----Okay
The Losers-------------Skip
Get Him to the Greek---Awesome
Nightmare on Elm St----Skip
Predators--------------Okay
Splice-----------------Skip
Inception--------------Awesome
Toy Story 3------------Okay
The American-----------Skip
Machete----------------Awesome
The Town---------------Okay
I'm Still Here---------Awesome





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Here come the Jets, little world, step aside! Better go underground, better run, better hide!

Rik's Log 9.20.10



Sooo the NY Jets won a game, and they won big.

After all the crazy talk of lack of discipline and bullshit.
They apparently managed to pull it together
And demolish their longtime rivals
Who everyone keeps saying are the best in the division.

Well after getting my fill of watching Tom Brady flutter around the field
And get sacked by Jason Taylor and other LBs...

I felt happy to know that my team prove theyre worth the attention.
And not just because of some weird locker room incident
That involved some oversexed Latin-American reporter.

This week proved that the Jets do have discipline
And that the offense can score and score big against Bill Bellichick’s defense
And that Tom Brady isn’t infallible and the Patriots aren’t an elite team
And that apparently hot women in the locker room arent a big distraction.


The media however, loves to talk about hot reporters.
(Actually they love to talk about hot anything, especially if there are pics.)
Sooo maybe we should discuss what everyone else is talking about
Even though it’s not totally pertinent and it’s mostly a media fad
And you all know how much I despise media fads.

But since it’s me and (if you know me) I cant keep my mouth shut about anything
I do have some thoughts about the whole Ines Sainz incident in the Jets locker room.

First, why the fuck do women who dress like sluts
Are surprised when they are treated like one?
If youre gonna walk around a men’s locker room dressed like this..
You shouldn’t be surprised when guys act like middle-school boys.
Afterall this is football we’re talking about it’s not a White House press conference.

Fuck even ESPN has trouble getting rid of the fuck-anything-frat-boy mentality.

People just have to understand that sports and sex go hand in hand
And if youre gonna sell yourself as a sex icon...
Well, youre gonna have to accept the consequences
Thatll come with the title of the Sexist Reporter on Earth.


I’m sorry, Miss Sainz but if you want to be treated like a serious reporter
Then perhaps you should behave like one.




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Wreck it, check it, can I get in it.

Rik's Log 8.27.10

Worst rap song ever!



This magnum opus is brought to us by pornstar Brian Pumper...
The man known for his amazing fucking skills.

Dude this makes classics like Whoomp There It Is, Who Let the Dogs Out,
And the MC Hammer classic Pumps and a Bump
Seem like seminal work worthy of international acclaim.

So why are we wasting our precious oxygen watching it?
Well because even thought it sucks...it features Montana Fishburne.
That's Lawrence Fishburne's slutty pornstar daughter.
And I gotta say she's not that bad
(Man if I could stick my dick in that...)

However the video is still barely watchable.
Sooo if you have the guts enjoy...
What should only be shown to terrorist detainees
Languishing in American prisons.


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We'll be playing and having fun and it makes me feel so fine...

Rik's Log 8.22.10

Weezer Concert!



I went to the track yesterday...
There was a free Weezer concert...
I gotta say that again, most people dont believe it:
--> FREE WEEZER CONCERT! ...& yea it was awesome.


At the track, I also caught the last 2 races.
I bet $10 on the #10 horse to place on the 10th race.
He did and I fucking won 30 pesos
Sooo kinda awesome.

Also... I got my tickets to the Independence Jam!

Really excited about The Delta Spirit performing...

& I sooo wanna see Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros.
Hopefully itll be awesome and not hella packed.

Well the rockn'roll days of summer keep on keep on...




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I'll stop the world and melt with you.

Rik's Log 8.20.10

So I've been eating M&M Pretzels all day.



I was watching the commercial a few weeks ago, (See it above)
And I loved it sooo much...it's hella funny.

It looks like the meek M&M is going to be ravaged by the Pretzel.
The M&M is making a whole big deal (like it should be),
That someone is going to be inside of it.
The Pretzel is unfazed, like business as usual...
"Yo, clock is ticking bitch."



So anyways after watching the commercial a few hundred times
I was like, "Maybe M&M Pretzel is gonna be da-bomb"
So when I saw them at the store, I was like "Gotta have it."
I bought 2 bags cause they were on sale 2 for $5.
(Yea I know, I'm fucking stupid.)
Sooo today I've been stuffing myself retarded with M&M
Fucking over my diet and workout routine.

You know, the thing is theyre not even that good.
I fell for all the fucking hype on TV.
Now I'm stuck eating crappy M&Ms...I have no willpower.

And you know there's a trend of this.
(No, not my lack of willpower.)
M&M is making crappy M&Ms to compete with others candies.
There's M&M Peanutbutter to compete with Reese
There's M&M Almond to compete with Almond Joy
And now there is even an M&M Coconut to compete with Mounds.

Now this all sound like awesome variety
(Especially if youre an M&M freak)
But, the thing about all these new M&M's
(including M&M Pretzel) is...
Theyre not as good as the products they compete with.
And theyre definitely not as good as the original M&Ms...
It's just another case of the hype being better than the real thing.

M&M Pretzles are just okay
If you want good M&Ms stick with the classics;
M&M Regular and M&M Peanut.




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I want your everything as long as it's free.

Rik's Log 8.11.10

So a few days ago...
A hot girl quits her job and America goes crazy.



At about the same time, a few dorks duped millions online...
But no one even notices.
Every one is too busy linking pics of the hot girl who quit,
They dont realize that it was a silly hoax.

And what sooo ridiculous is that it was very obvious.
Yet every blogger and their grandmother was posting it.

I mean couldnt they see it?
The silly overexaggerated gestures utilized by silent movie actors
The car-show-model poses and the constant Vanna White smiles...
All common characteristics of a 2nd rate struggling actress.

I mean every month a new huckster comes along
And so easily pranks everyone online
Because idiots are sooo quick to believe and link everything.
If you slap some T&A on it, suddenly everyone wants to see it.
No one thinks for a second that maybe it's a hoax.
Even though it's quite friggin obvious!

Then dumb bloggers and journalists post it on their sites
Without any background checks, making it news and automatically factual.



Meanwhile a real working man's hero
Who actually has an psychotically extreme awesome quitting story
Loses some of his 15 minutes cause some HPOA from LA is fucking with us.


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